Slowing Down to Speed Up

In order for you to understand where I am now, we’ve got to go back in time to 2011, the year I turned 13. That’s where our journey begins today, so strap in. Under the incredibly tiny, but comforting Peekskill sky is where I entered teenagerhood. I was born and raised in the Stars Hollow (IYKYK) of southern New York. A small town where everyone knows everyone. Wherever I would go, I would meet people that I didn’t know, but that knew me because they knew my parents. Small town living is so endearing when you see it in your favorite show or when it’s in a Hallmark movie. As an adult, I even get the draw and itch from time to time to pack up and move to a place “where everybody knows your name,” and keep my life incredibly simple. Growing up in it, however, is not always the scripted magical experience you hoped it would be. There’s something to be said about the ability to fly under the radar, to be somebody and nobody all at once; to find your people in the vast sea of human life, but not be a fish (no matter the size) in a small pond. 

Slowing down…

I was a feisty teenager -and I mean feisty. Adults that I loved and respected would always tell me that I had such a good head on my shoulders. Did I? At 13 how the heck was I supposed to know? I knew that whatever it was carried with it the pressure and call of excellence and expectation -a gift and a curse rolled all into one. I entered into my Zack Siler phase at what felt like the age of 5…”Everyone is counting on you, Zack! Don’t let it drop, never let it drop.” If you have no idea who that is and what the heck I’m talking about, quit reading my blog and go on Netflix to watch She’s All That, please. 

I had a love/hate relationship with the standards I was held to both with school and home life regarding responsibility, expectation and excellence. It was nice to be counted on, but I also wished that I could be “just like everyone else” most days and not held to some other standard. This was also my growing up, teenage perspective about the situation. From 13-15 I felt like I had let my parents down in a multitude of ways. I had my first boyfriend during this time and that was a royal disaster. I couldn’t manage school and extracurriculars and a social life like I thought I could. I lied -a lot- to avoid trouble and headache. I became someone I hated within myself and then at the tail end of those years I ended up beginning to date the boy who would become my husband four years later when I was 19. More on that in April.

It wasn’t until I had reached the age of 16 that I really threw in the towel. I knew what people wanted and expected from me and I was able to coast in a lot of ways by the time I became a sophomore in high school. I did what I needed to do and nobody really bothered me, but I was dealing with so much under the surface. I was dealing with a teenage relationship with plenty of ups and downs, managing school and friends as well as sports, drama club, AP courses, and a job. Nothing too out of the ordinary. On top of the normal roller coaster that comes with the beautiful disaster that 16 is, I was battling inner dialogue surrounding my very broken relationship with my father and became the sole person to know about a close family member of mine that began to have an affair and that person would confide in me regularly about the situation. I had absolutely no idea what to do with that. So, I started to drink.

Drinking became a regular habit for me. I would drink all of the time, unbeknownst to most everyone around me. I was coping by becoming as numb as I could, drinking every chance that I could get and smoking weed recreationally to be anywhere but in the reality of my life. I didn’t know what to do or who to turn to at that time without getting myself or someone else in trouble. From age 16-18 I was in one of the lowest valleys of my life. I was angry, bitter, exhausted and sad. I didn’t know how to properly express what I was feeling or going through, but I wanted so desperately to be understood. I wanted someone to see me, to validate that what I was dealing with -mentally and emotionally- was heavier than it should have been. I have had time as an adult to grieve the parts of me that died too soon, the carefreeness of childhood that was cut short in a lot of ways. I’ve moved past it, but it still matters and it’s still part of my story.

On the other side of this valley, I’m incredibly thankful that I went through some of the things that I did at this time in my life because without it I wouldn’t have the strength nor the perspective it produced for me. I was 18 years old when I started to find healing and began my journey towards becoming whole. It was at this age that I started the most important relationship that exists in my life today.

Speeding up…

I found God when I was in the midst of brokenness, surrounded by the many glimmering shards of life that had cut so deep. I found people that I could model my life after, who had great relationships and were genuinely good people. I wanted what they had and I learned that Jesus was the key to it all. I desperately craved wholeness and had lived with a void I didn’t know was so big until it was filled. I wanted to be happy, to experience joy. I wanted to be free of my addiction to alcohol and the seemingly never ending cycle of depression. I wanted to be a good person and be able to be there for other people instead of feeling run down from always outpouring from a cup that was empty.

I found Jesus, the greatest person to come into my life and begin changing me for the better. I have treasured who I have become walking alongside my Lord and savior and I can look back and see where He was in every season and situation of my story. I’ve learned so much about myself and others and I have a love for people that I never had before. I have a joy that cannot be lessened by even the darkest days. Even when I may forget in moments and minutes, I know every day that my future is so much brighter than my past. I haven’t figured it all out and I am probably the biggest work in progress that you will ever meet in your life, but I know that with Jesus, anything is possible. Healing, restoration, joy in sorrow, progress, change, love, hope -they’re all possible. 

At 18 years old, on June 18th, I became sober and have stayed sober. I have created great friendships and go to an amazing church. Though I’m still working on it, I have healed so many broken parts of my past. I have the best career I could imagine and get to do something impactful that I genuinely enjoy every day. I feel free to be my authentic and genuine self, knowing that the people who are meant to be with me, will be. All of this is because of my relationship with Jesus. All the glory and praise goes to God. I celebrate my 26th birthday this month and I’m grateful and proud of how far I’ve come from the broken person I used to be. From a hardened heart to the most important decision, I live today with vulnerability, love, compassion, joy and authenticity -something foreign to that 13 year old girl trying so hard to find her way. Thanks for hanging. Till next time.

xo Ariel