Looking in the Mirror: Self-Reflection & Steps Forward

I just turned 26 on Sunday. It’s crazy to think that I’m on the other side of my mid-twenties. I’ve grown and changed well beyond what I thought could be possible in the beginning half of this decade. I’ve figured out a lot -and full disclosure, more than I’ve even wanted to. I got married, got divorced, started a business, gave up a business and changed careers multiple times. I’ve grown closer to God, built phenomenal relationships, moved into a great neighborhood and am on the path to figuring out my purpose. It has been a whirlwind of an experience.

I am in the most interesting yet secure and peaceful place I’ve ever been in my life. I am more sure than I ever have been in the most unsure of seasons and circumstances. I truly have the peace of God in and over my life. I can’t even begin to describe the beauty of what that has done for me. Somehow in the midst of it all, I know that I will be alright and everything will work out. It is an assurance that I wouldn’t trade for anything and it’s the only reason I’ve been able to maintain composure and persist through life’s many ups and downs -especially in this most recent season.

Something that I’ve had to wrestle with over this last year is answering the question: what do I want my life to look like in the next 5 years? Where do I want to be by the time I’m 30? How do I want to live? I thought that I knew exactly what my life would look like and where I would be. But, what do you do when your whole vision for your life crashes and burns and you’re left sitting in the ashes of a fire you set ablaze?

You adjust.

The past year of my life has been filled to the brim with both the greatest hope and deepest disappointments. I’ve felt like everything has been happening in every area of my life -all at once. Finding the delicate balance of having grace for myself, grace for others, the grit and determination to push through, the self-image to hold my head up high, and the understanding that there are people who count on me to show up -every day- has been so incredibly hard. I’ve learned to let go of a lot of things: feelings, moments, people, places, where I thought I should be by now, and the desire to control it all. 

I’ve given every facet of my life over to God, counting and relying on His justice and ability to make things right no matter how shaky, unfair or frustrating it might be at any given point in time. I’ve begun to let the right people in and not be upset about those who I thought were the right people deserting me in my darkest, deepest valley. 

I have, for the first time in my life, allowed myself to feel. I have always stuffed my feelings. I didn’t know how to healthfully talk about them and I sure didn’t know how to actually feel them. I didn’t grow up in a home that had what I now know as emotional intelligence. My mom is wonderful, but she doesn’t do feelings…so neither did I for a long time. I wasn’t equipped to process, so I just kept it moving because I didn’t have the time for it. 

In order to move forward, I had to take the time to let every feeling assemble into a wave and crash on the shore of my life with massive force. It was overwhelming, but necessary. 

I finally know what it feels like to feel. I’ve let each moment wash over me and sat in the mess to gain an understanding of why things were happening. I grew in understanding of the purpose each feeling had and allowed myself to fully grieve. I decided with each step forward to give my grief away to God so He could weave it into the ever-growing fabric of the comfort He provides in carrying my burdens so that I don’t have to. I’m grateful for this place that my life has dropped me off to in these 26 years. I’m thankful for every situation (good or bad) because it’s helped sculpt and shape me into the person I am. The person who does her best to come from a place of grace and understanding. The person who is always willing to hear both sides of a story and is less quick to jump to conclusions about a person or situation. 

I am aware of my growth journey. I realize that I’m constantly changing and therefore leave room to remember that other people can grow and change, too. 

So, where do I see myself going in the next 5 years? I see myself following my calling. I see myself hopefully becoming a mom. I see myself being confident in who I am and the foundation of my identity being rooted in the right places. I see myself in my best mental, emotional, and physical shape. I see myself finally healthy and happy. I have so much expectancy and hope for what is to come. I know that there are better days ahead. I hope and pray that you, whoever you are reading this, know that too. The best is yet to come. 

Thanks for hanging. Till next time.

xo Ariel