I started a blog only to leave it hanging. I’ve been MIA for the past 2 months. Getting myself off of the ledge that my performance somehow dictates my worth has been one of the greater lies and obstacles I’ve had to overcome within myself. How is it possible to have writer’s block after 3 posts? This is what I felt led to do and to start, so why the silence? If you know me at all, you know that I am a planner through and through. Before designing a website and launching a blog, I had all of my blog posts scheduled -week by week with themes for each month. I knew what I was going to write about through the first half of the year. But, the reason that I started this was so that I could be obedient to God’s direction in my life and I needed to take a step back to evaluate if I am staying true to that. Is this my moment or a moment I’m handing over to glorify God? There have been many questions that I’ve asked myself over the past 2 months -and really over the past year.
It was almost a year ago to date that I sat in what would be my last session of Christian marital counseling, arguing with my now ex-husband, and ending on terms that I never in a million years imagined we would. I just knew my life and my story would be different. I knew that I would be the example of making Godly decisions and of sound stability. I would overcome all of the odds, all of the opinions and all of the uncertainty. Sitting in my mess a year ago today feeling alone, like the grandest disappointment, worst example, and biggest failure was not where I saw myself being. I made a decision that many didn’t understand and that was going to lead to the entirety of life as I knew it to turn upside down: I separated from my husband and wanted a divorce. Coming to this decision was one of the most difficult things I’ve ever had to do -because ultimately I never saw divorce as an option. I didn’t want to go against what I believe and I didn’t want to be another statistic. But I also couldn’t keep going through motions, pretending to be happy and have this life that I simply just didn’t.
To make an incredibly long story short, I married my high school sweetheart and we had a lot of growing and changing to do. We dealt with things individually as kids that neither one of us should have had to. For the first time in one another’s lives, we had someone that not only understood us, but someone that genuinely saw us. And we clung to that. We helped each other through really tough times in life and were great friends along the way. But, as much as we helped build each other up, we tore each other down. The relationship slowly became more toxic for both of us over time. Navigating becoming adults, living life in a different way than we were used to, getting married so young and having a lot of responsibility to juggle, paired with a vast sea of toxicity was a journey I don’t think either of us were equipped for. I wanted so badly for our relationship to work. But he hurt me -a lot. I lost trust in the one person I wanted to trust the most. I tried so hard to “fix” what was broken. Book after book after podcast after sermon after bible study after conversation with trusted friends -I found myself back at square one every single time. Despite the effort, nothing within me changed. The more time that passed, the further I drifted away from everything I thought I wanted. Throughout this time I had a miscarriage, went through a serious depression, had some medical challenges and then found myself in the emotional turmoil of having feelings for a man that was not my husband. In the process of that I really hurt my ex-husband and we made the decision to go to counseling to sort out our issues. I hated myself. Why was I like this? Why couldn’t I just be happy? Why couldn’t I feel anything for my husband? After a year of counseling I once again found myself back at square one -questioning what was wrong with me and feeling miserable deep down. I made the decision to get a divorce -a decision that was not well received.
The journey that followed this decision came with so much uncertainty. I was in the process of interviewing for a new job, had to figure out new living arrangements, pay down debt, leave a business behind, change accounts, and do this thing solo. For my planner brain, every area of my life being tossed up into the land of unknowns was nothing short of a catastrophe.
But, God.
A year later, as I sit here, I finally understand. I had my identity rooted in all the wrong things. My identity was rooted in how I served people in my business, how I performed at work, my relationship, and how I was perceived by others. God allowed every area to turn on its head and it felt as though it were Him and I in a room and He looked at me and said “It’s just you and me left. Now what?” That was a huge moment in my journey. God and I started to rebuild from the ground up, this time with a rock solid foundation. I lost all parts of my identity and now I had the opportunity to make sure that my identity was rooted in Christ before adding layers back into my life. I’ve grown closer to God and worked on myself so much in these past 12 months dealing with past hurts that I didn’t know were still buried inside of me and actually healing from them instead of hiding from them. I am more joyful, more confident, more secure, more faith-filled, and have more strength than I ever have before. I am so grateful for the breakdown to be able to build myself up new while simultaneously finding myself within the pieces of who I used to be. God is so good. He restores and redeems everything that was stolen, broken or exploited -if we allow Him to. As hard as this last year has been, I wouldn’t change a single thing. I’ve emerged from living in a world of darkness and have learned so much about life, people, myself, and God. I’m moving forward with the peace and the reassurance that I am on the right path and God is with me every single step of the way. That is precious and priceless.
Thanks for hanging. Till next time.
xo Ariel